Random Inspirations.

An Update.

It should be known that I had a mini breakdown on Friday and from that, gained a bit of knowledge about myself and where I'm coming from. Yes, I'm hurting right now. Yes, it's a struggle to keep going and to deal with daily tasks, eating, exercising, etc. I am finding it difficult to go into the kitchen and am having to constantly remind myself to eat only when I'm hungry and to practice more self control. I am finding myself backsliding somewhat and have been eating in excess. I am trying to do my best in dealing with this and am starting to realize that what I have is an eating disorder and no, it will not be easily overcome. But I'm not alone and I have so much support that sometimes it's a little overwhelming. But it helps. More reason to push ..

Anyway, here's some promises to myself for next week :

I will eat 3 meals & 2 snacks a day

I will practice portion control

I will go to the gym 5-6x a week & do strength/cardio

I will go to yoga 

I will go to one class at the JCC 

I will only have one cup of coffee a day and try to make it at home

I will stop eating out and start bringing food to work to eat

I will stop reading while doing cardio and become more aware, more conscious of my active life

I will work harder every time I put on my gym clothes

I will put more effort into everything I do

Things I Enjoy Sunday

Filofax because I'm a huge fan of figuring things out, keeping track, obsessing over details, times, dates, etc. I bought it in red and filled it with pink paper. I cannot wait to use it. VIRGO!
Eating more meals. I made this delicious dinner of turkey sausage, goat cheese & mozzarella, one egg & tomato over pita. It made me excited to make meals again. I need to eat more meals and less snacks and try to really enjoy myself again. Focus on every bite and the fact that it is filling me up and sustaining me rather than indulging unnecessarily.
My blonde hair. It feels exciting to be someone new. To try something else on for a while. I haven't explored it fully yet or gone out on the town but part of me is quietly happy to be enjoying it alone. Getting little comments here and there but keeping it to myself, like a little secret. 
Theo. Having a dog in my life again makes my heart chirp a little everytime I see him and the fact that he keeps a dog bone in my room. Just in case.
Drinking coffee again. I can't go without. I bought coconut creamer yesterday and am looking forward to indulging in good coffee. 
Trying to enjoy and indulge in little things. In small pieces of chocolate, in a cup of coffee, in a moment alone. Terrible movies and even worse tv shows on the couch, curled up with the dog and drinking coffee. 
Reading more. I want to challenge myself even if it means with just words. I think my brain needs the work, to stretch and to learn the steps over again. Kind of like physical therapy but with reading, writing, taking pictures, etc. I should do the last more, grab a model and go. I need to explore creatively, wrap my brain around the new. The bold, the surprising. 

I WANT.

I want to move to New York.

I want to be the next Richard Avedon.

I want to shoot fashion in a fine art way.

I want to explore womanhood with my camera.

I want to define myself as strong, fit and healthy.

I want to enjoy myself.

I want to read a book everyday.

I want to eat better, drink better, be better.

I want to fashion myself around myself.

I want to be the feminist I picture in my mind.

I want to wear more high heels and dance, dance, dance.

I want to surround myself with strong, independent women.

I want to be known.

I want to define my waist, my abs, my arms.

I want to have the confidence to be more in my life.

I want to surround myself with joy.

I want to make the commitment to start my life.

I want to make each day count.

I want to realize that each day is a new beginning.

I want to breathe and mindfully interact with my surroundings.

I want to ride my bike.

I want to run again.

I want to go camping and be outdoors.

I want men to acknowledge me.

I want the world to stop breathing so that I can.

I want to dance without a drop of drink.

I want to feel strong.

I want to have more self control with food, with men, with everything.

I want to counterbalance my femininity with my ferocity.

I want to take the bull by the horns.

I want to feel the ground beneath my feet, to feel wild again.

I want to ride a horse.

I want to fill my closet with boots, heels, black.

I want to keep close to my family.

I want to breach new beginnings.

I don’t want to limit myself.

I want to stop faltering at the doorstep.

I want to feel contagious, like a stirring cough deep down in your lungs.

I want to start writing again, every day.

I want to start journaling. I miss words.

I want to photograph the inward spiral of my thoughts and put image to paper.

I want to feel again.

What do you want? 

Okay, Okay, so I haven’t updated in a long time. And there are reasons. My brain is running a race that I can’t quite seem to catch up to lately. I’ve been ferociously and nearly feverishly hungry. Starving. Enamored with food. I can’t seem to stop myself. On one hand I’ve been working out like a madwomen but, but, but, I can’t seem to commit to anything besides cardio. On the days I work out with others I can push myself farther and on the days I don’t, I am on the elliptical for almost 2 hours. Because then I can shut my brain off and just go. Anything that requires thought process seems beyond me and I can’t just quite commit. It’s beyond frustrating but perhaps writing about it, putting pen to paper, so to speak, will help.

So this is kind of a plea I’m putting out to the universe, a written documentation of my struggles, in the vain hope that talking about it and admitting that I’ve hit a wall will help. Will drive me forward and stop me from circling around, milling aimlessly. Part of me thinks it’s because I’m afraid to go farther, to lose the last remaining pounds I want to lose (now seeming to collect all around my midsection).  My legs are becoming lean and toned no doubt from my excess amounts of cardio. But I want to have flat abs and more muscular arms. I know I will never be the tiny girl flitting around with a gap between her thighs, not unlike many of the girls I photograph. I will be the curvy, the broad shouldered, the stern faced woman of sharp features and an angry, downturned brow – no matter how I try. I suppose that’s part of my struggles. Will it even matter if I lose weight, will I be any more approachable then I am now? People are often afraid of me, intimidated by me and I have this inward inkling that if I become smaller it won’t make a bit of difference. Men won’t approach me anymore than they do now, women will hesitate to speak to me and life will continue as normal. But this is just my mind playing into negativity, I know.

Anyway, work time. This is where I am, currently, universe. 

Okay, so the eating has gotten somewhat out of hand. I have the feeling that despite how much I’ve been working out, it’s still way beyond what I should be eating because I’m simply not keeping track. So until I receive my detox supplies I’m going to count calories and stay at 1500-1600 a day. According to the scale I lost half a pound since last week which is good but seriously, I’ve been BUSTING ass. I could be losing way more if I was eating better. I want to get conscious again and refocus because diet is a larger part of losing weight then anything else and I would like to lose another 10-15 pounds and tone, tone, tone. Of course if I gain more muscle the weight loss will taper off, I’m aware but at the same time I feel like I know I haven’t been eating well and all the hard work I’ve been doing in the gym isn’t paying off. I can do better, be better, am better.

Anyway, goals for the next few days, diet wise:

1. Water! At least 100 ounces.
2. 300 calorie meals & 200 calorie snacks.
3. Less dairy (cheese, ice cream, etc.)

My fitness goals for the month of June:

1. 6 days cardio a week. That’s 45-90minutes a day.
2. 3-4 days strength/weight training a week. 
3. Between 23-26 days total of weight training & cardio work.
4. Try to reincorporate yoga and stretching as well!

I’m focusing less on the eating portion, the calorie counting, etc. and trying to be mindful without over analyzing. I think I was psyching myself out and it was doing nothing but negative things to my body and to my mind. I am still planning on doing a detox of sorts once my supplies arrive but it’s more about refocusing on my body and its needs rather than my desire to eat. That kind of mentality has fallen to the wayside somewhat and right now that’s what I’ve been struggling with. I’ve been indulging on chocolates and candy when I should be filling my body with veggies and fruits and things that sustain me. I do understand that limiting myself can be a negative but overindulging tends to have it’s own effect on my brain, more often then not I just shrug my shoulders and figure I’ve already gone down that path so I might as well continue. I’ve been working out super hard the past couple of days and have let that be an excuse to indulge. But if I ate well and worked out as hard as I have been the weight would be melting off.

Anyway, here’s to refocusing.