Okay, Okay, so I haven’t updated in a long time. And there are reasons. My brain is running a race that I can’t quite seem to catch up to lately. I’ve been ferociously and nearly feverishly hungry. Starving. Enamored with food. I can’t seem to stop myself. On one hand I’ve been working out like a madwomen but, but, but, I can’t seem to commit to anything besides cardio. On the days I work out with others I can push myself farther and on the days I don’t, I am on the elliptical for almost 2 hours. Because then I can shut my brain off and just go. Anything that requires thought process seems beyond me and I can’t just quite commit. It’s beyond frustrating but perhaps writing about it, putting pen to paper, so to speak, will help.

So this is kind of a plea I’m putting out to the universe, a written documentation of my struggles, in the vain hope that talking about it and admitting that I’ve hit a wall will help. Will drive me forward and stop me from circling around, milling aimlessly. Part of me thinks it’s because I’m afraid to go farther, to lose the last remaining pounds I want to lose (now seeming to collect all around my midsection).  My legs are becoming lean and toned no doubt from my excess amounts of cardio. But I want to have flat abs and more muscular arms. I know I will never be the tiny girl flitting around with a gap between her thighs, not unlike many of the girls I photograph. I will be the curvy, the broad shouldered, the stern faced woman of sharp features and an angry, downturned brow – no matter how I try. I suppose that’s part of my struggles. Will it even matter if I lose weight, will I be any more approachable then I am now? People are often afraid of me, intimidated by me and I have this inward inkling that if I become smaller it won’t make a bit of difference. Men won’t approach me anymore than they do now, women will hesitate to speak to me and life will continue as normal. But this is just my mind playing into negativity, I know.

Anyway, work time. This is where I am, currently, universe.