July is the month of massages! This month is already looking to start out with a bang and I want it to continue that way. My goal is to start taking more Yoga, Pilates and strength classes. Having massages lined up every week, pretty much, will help push me to feel better about having a reward on a weekly basis. I’ve been making an effort this week and today I realized that I’ve gone EVERY day to the gym or to yoga. I have done something small everyday. And while the yoga wasn’t all that difficult the fact that I’ve still made an effort to go and try to do something small, something active. Today I’m doing cardio and then going to yoga later in the evening at Yoga to the People in the Mission which is quickly becoming my favorite place to do yoga at. The space is just beautiful. They have a 7:30 candlelit class on Sundays that I really want to start taking once my schedule changes back to mornings on the weekends. Going out and drinking on the weekends just doesn’t appeal to me that much – I’d rather be relaxing, getting good sleep and feeling productive on my days off then overindulging and feeling swollen the next day

Leaving tomorrow to go visit my parents in Antioch and then have a hotel booked in Davis where my grandparents live. I’m excited about the prospect of going on a mini-vacation and plan on enjoying it fully. But also taking advantage of the hotel gym and may even look into renting a bicycle for the time I’m there. Although it will be really hot, I’d imagine. Shorts, sandals, dresses and bare legs are required. When I return back I plan on reemerging myself in better eating, counting calories and staying between 1600-2000 a day. I’ve kind of let myself lapse a bit this week, allowing myself to eat freely as long as I don’t super overindulge, eating well without feeling guilty about it. I weighed myself this morning and went up a pound since my last weigh-in but I feel healthier, stronger. So I’m not worried so much about the numbers. For reference sake, however I'm at 173.

Small goals for when I return:
Wednesday - pilates fusion @ 8am & cardio (ride bike)
Thursday - Total Body Conditioning @9-950 (ride bike)
Friday - cardio blast ! 30-45min before apt in the marina
Saturday – cardio 30-45min & training session @ 3
Sunday - Iyengar @9-10:20, cardio 10:30-11:30 (ride bike)

Random Inspirations.

An Update.

It should be known that I had a mini breakdown on Friday and from that, gained a bit of knowledge about myself and where I'm coming from. Yes, I'm hurting right now. Yes, it's a struggle to keep going and to deal with daily tasks, eating, exercising, etc. I am finding it difficult to go into the kitchen and am having to constantly remind myself to eat only when I'm hungry and to practice more self control. I am finding myself backsliding somewhat and have been eating in excess. I am trying to do my best in dealing with this and am starting to realize that what I have is an eating disorder and no, it will not be easily overcome. But I'm not alone and I have so much support that sometimes it's a little overwhelming. But it helps. More reason to push ..

Anyway, here's some promises to myself for next week :

I will eat 3 meals & 2 snacks a day

I will practice portion control

I will go to the gym 5-6x a week & do strength/cardio

I will go to yoga 

I will go to one class at the JCC 

I will only have one cup of coffee a day and try to make it at home

I will stop eating out and start bringing food to work to eat

I will stop reading while doing cardio and become more aware, more conscious of my active life

I will work harder every time I put on my gym clothes

I will put more effort into everything I do

Things I Enjoy Sunday

Filofax because I'm a huge fan of figuring things out, keeping track, obsessing over details, times, dates, etc. I bought it in red and filled it with pink paper. I cannot wait to use it. VIRGO!
Eating more meals. I made this delicious dinner of turkey sausage, goat cheese & mozzarella, one egg & tomato over pita. It made me excited to make meals again. I need to eat more meals and less snacks and try to really enjoy myself again. Focus on every bite and the fact that it is filling me up and sustaining me rather than indulging unnecessarily.
My blonde hair. It feels exciting to be someone new. To try something else on for a while. I haven't explored it fully yet or gone out on the town but part of me is quietly happy to be enjoying it alone. Getting little comments here and there but keeping it to myself, like a little secret. 
Theo. Having a dog in my life again makes my heart chirp a little everytime I see him and the fact that he keeps a dog bone in my room. Just in case.
Drinking coffee again. I can't go without. I bought coconut creamer yesterday and am looking forward to indulging in good coffee. 
Trying to enjoy and indulge in little things. In small pieces of chocolate, in a cup of coffee, in a moment alone. Terrible movies and even worse tv shows on the couch, curled up with the dog and drinking coffee. 
Reading more. I want to challenge myself even if it means with just words. I think my brain needs the work, to stretch and to learn the steps over again. Kind of like physical therapy but with reading, writing, taking pictures, etc. I should do the last more, grab a model and go. I need to explore creatively, wrap my brain around the new. The bold, the surprising. 

I WANT.

I want to move to New York.

I want to be the next Richard Avedon.

I want to shoot fashion in a fine art way.

I want to explore womanhood with my camera.

I want to define myself as strong, fit and healthy.

I want to enjoy myself.

I want to read a book everyday.

I want to eat better, drink better, be better.

I want to fashion myself around myself.

I want to be the feminist I picture in my mind.

I want to wear more high heels and dance, dance, dance.

I want to surround myself with strong, independent women.

I want to be known.

I want to define my waist, my abs, my arms.

I want to have the confidence to be more in my life.

I want to surround myself with joy.

I want to make the commitment to start my life.

I want to make each day count.

I want to realize that each day is a new beginning.

I want to breathe and mindfully interact with my surroundings.

I want to ride my bike.

I want to run again.

I want to go camping and be outdoors.

I want men to acknowledge me.

I want the world to stop breathing so that I can.

I want to dance without a drop of drink.

I want to feel strong.

I want to have more self control with food, with men, with everything.

I want to counterbalance my femininity with my ferocity.

I want to take the bull by the horns.

I want to feel the ground beneath my feet, to feel wild again.

I want to ride a horse.

I want to fill my closet with boots, heels, black.

I want to keep close to my family.

I want to breach new beginnings.

I don’t want to limit myself.

I want to stop faltering at the doorstep.

I want to feel contagious, like a stirring cough deep down in your lungs.

I want to start writing again, every day.

I want to start journaling. I miss words.

I want to photograph the inward spiral of my thoughts and put image to paper.

I want to feel again.

What do you want? 

Okay, Okay, so I haven’t updated in a long time. And there are reasons. My brain is running a race that I can’t quite seem to catch up to lately. I’ve been ferociously and nearly feverishly hungry. Starving. Enamored with food. I can’t seem to stop myself. On one hand I’ve been working out like a madwomen but, but, but, I can’t seem to commit to anything besides cardio. On the days I work out with others I can push myself farther and on the days I don’t, I am on the elliptical for almost 2 hours. Because then I can shut my brain off and just go. Anything that requires thought process seems beyond me and I can’t just quite commit. It’s beyond frustrating but perhaps writing about it, putting pen to paper, so to speak, will help.

So this is kind of a plea I’m putting out to the universe, a written documentation of my struggles, in the vain hope that talking about it and admitting that I’ve hit a wall will help. Will drive me forward and stop me from circling around, milling aimlessly. Part of me thinks it’s because I’m afraid to go farther, to lose the last remaining pounds I want to lose (now seeming to collect all around my midsection).  My legs are becoming lean and toned no doubt from my excess amounts of cardio. But I want to have flat abs and more muscular arms. I know I will never be the tiny girl flitting around with a gap between her thighs, not unlike many of the girls I photograph. I will be the curvy, the broad shouldered, the stern faced woman of sharp features and an angry, downturned brow – no matter how I try. I suppose that’s part of my struggles. Will it even matter if I lose weight, will I be any more approachable then I am now? People are often afraid of me, intimidated by me and I have this inward inkling that if I become smaller it won’t make a bit of difference. Men won’t approach me anymore than they do now, women will hesitate to speak to me and life will continue as normal. But this is just my mind playing into negativity, I know.

Anyway, work time. This is where I am, currently, universe. 

Okay, so the eating has gotten somewhat out of hand. I have the feeling that despite how much I’ve been working out, it’s still way beyond what I should be eating because I’m simply not keeping track. So until I receive my detox supplies I’m going to count calories and stay at 1500-1600 a day. According to the scale I lost half a pound since last week which is good but seriously, I’ve been BUSTING ass. I could be losing way more if I was eating better. I want to get conscious again and refocus because diet is a larger part of losing weight then anything else and I would like to lose another 10-15 pounds and tone, tone, tone. Of course if I gain more muscle the weight loss will taper off, I’m aware but at the same time I feel like I know I haven’t been eating well and all the hard work I’ve been doing in the gym isn’t paying off. I can do better, be better, am better.

Anyway, goals for the next few days, diet wise:

1. Water! At least 100 ounces.
2. 300 calorie meals & 200 calorie snacks.
3. Less dairy (cheese, ice cream, etc.)

My fitness goals for the month of June:

1. 6 days cardio a week. That’s 45-90minutes a day.
2. 3-4 days strength/weight training a week. 
3. Between 23-26 days total of weight training & cardio work.
4. Try to reincorporate yoga and stretching as well!

I’m focusing less on the eating portion, the calorie counting, etc. and trying to be mindful without over analyzing. I think I was psyching myself out and it was doing nothing but negative things to my body and to my mind. I am still planning on doing a detox of sorts once my supplies arrive but it’s more about refocusing on my body and its needs rather than my desire to eat. That kind of mentality has fallen to the wayside somewhat and right now that’s what I’ve been struggling with. I’ve been indulging on chocolates and candy when I should be filling my body with veggies and fruits and things that sustain me. I do understand that limiting myself can be a negative but overindulging tends to have it’s own effect on my brain, more often then not I just shrug my shoulders and figure I’ve already gone down that path so I might as well continue. I’ve been working out super hard the past couple of days and have let that be an excuse to indulge. But if I ate well and worked out as hard as I have been the weight would be melting off.

Anyway, here’s to refocusing.

So yesterday I got in 60 minutes of cardio and today I clocked 105 minutes. I had scheduled a training session with a friend but as it was cancelled the only thing I really wanted to do was read the girl who kicked the hornet's nest. So instead of being lazy and reading on the couch in the break room before work I did more cardio. However I definitely used this as an excuse to eat a brownie, several macaroons, frozen yogurt and half a bag of popcorn at the movie theater. I suppose I justify the fact that I ate all this BECAUSE I spent so goddamn long at cardio. But considering I ate all the calories I burned in crap, it doesn't entirely make me feel any better about my work out. I just started my period and I felt ravenous and gave into this feeling of indulgence which lately I've noticed I've been doing more and more. And attempting to justify it which isn't entirely do-able. I'm looking forward to doing this cleanse once the proper supplies arrive because I think I need to reavaluate my eating habits, yet again. Being the 'fat kid' for so long it's a hard habit to break, it's hard to say no to treats especially when they are given to you and even harder to stay away from them once that cycle is started. BUT tomorrow is a new day, a new beginning, a new month. No more excuses.

I do have a training session tomorrow, time for cardio and a thai massage. I should make up for today and really earn that massage..

Weekly Goals/Plans!

Sunday: 60min cardio

Monday: 60min strength/drill & 30-60min cardio

Tuesday: 60min strength/drill & 30-60min cardio

Wednesday: 60min cardio

Thursday: 60min strength/drill

Friday: 60min cardio

Saturday: 60min cardio

Not taking any days off this week. I worked out 4 days last week even after promising myself 6. I want to do something EVERYDAY, even if it's just a basic low intensity cardio workout. I don't have to bust ass everyday as long as I attempt to get in something, everyday. I may try to replace one of those days with yoga as well. My goal really is just to keep moving and do something for an hour physically, to get back into the mindset and groove of things. I got super drunk last Thursday and spent the entire day on Friday hungover on the couch. Not exactly my idea of fun either. Something I need to spend far less time doing. I have a low tolerance for alcohol but somehow, can't say no! Opppps!

Things I Enjoy Sunday

Being blonde! I went to the hair salon on an impromptu decision on Tuesday and made the leap – well, not entirely impromptu. I had been contemplating it for about a week to go platinum and had made an appointment with my hair dresser in San Mateo for the 7th. But frankly, I was a bit nervous about trying to make the jump from brown to white all in one day and decided to take matters into my own hands so that I didn’t fry my scalp. The girl did an amazing job and my hair looks pretty damn good considering it’s stubborn and there are sections that refused to go blonde immediately. But it’s a process. I fully plan on deep conditioning numerous times before next Monday’s appointment. It feels better already so I’m hoping by taking care of it, air-drying or blow-drying on cold air, two weeks will allow it to properly heal and return somewhat to its former shape. I made my own deep conditioning mixture of coconut oil, honey and avocado and while that worked surprisingly well I decided to splurge and picked up Redken Real Control Intense Renewal Super Moisturizing Mask as well as Shimmer Lights Shampoo and Lush's Blonde Shampoo. I'm hoping the combination of these guys for the next week will help ! And maybe another coconut treatment?? I've also been using Jojoba Oil on my hair as a leave in at night and before running to work to help with fly aways. I use it everywhere actually, threw it in a spray bottle with water and use it as a toner. Stuff is pure magic! My skin has never felt this soft or smooth before.

Detox! I’ve considered doing a raw tea detox before in the past but after wandering around on Etsy the past few days I’ve decided to go for it. I ordered Essiacs Blend and Ultimate Green Drink . I am hoping the combination of the teas and a raw diet of fruits and veggies for 7 days will help renew my system and really refocus my attention on health. Lately I’ve been splurging on all kinds of not so good foods (ie: cheese, butter, ice cream – dairy in general) and am starting to feel the effects on my body and mood. Detoxing, in my experience, helps to reiterate the idea of what the body actually needs rather than the mind’s desires for food.

Also, soap – ordered a few from gloilocksandbody and am beyond excited. I’ve purchased her soap and scrubs in the past before and they are all delectable and delicious and work like a charm! I’m excited to splurge a bit HERE, to indulge my body in a way that doesn’t have to do with eating or with clothes.

What do you spend your money on, bath and body wise??

Five things you will find if you open my bag:
1. mole skin daily planners
2. lush lip balm
3. business cards
4. the omnivore’s dilemma
5. ipod classic 30g

Five things in my bedroom:
1. stacks & stacks of negatives
2. old prints in portfolios
3. black boots
4. books on fashion, food & feminism
5. jump rope, yoga mat & push up bars

Five things I’ve always wanted to do in my life:
1. live in new york city
2. own a large, large dog
3. be able to see without glasses
4. be that fit, healthy girl with sexy curves
5. have a walk in closet full of black clothes

Five things that make me very happy:
1. bathtubs, face masks & bubbles
2. studs, black, sequins
3. reading in bed while it rains
4. aching the next day after a long workout
5. fitting into the ‘skinny jeans’ after years!

Five things I’m currently into:
1. studs, black, sequins
2. watching movies on the couch w/the dog
3. stereomode
4. blonde bombshell obsession
5. wine, crackers & fantastic cheese

Five things on my To-Do list:
1. edit, edit, edit
2. sleep in tomorrow!!
3. start up the c25k again (opps)
4. go blonde. bombshell.
5. workout 5-6x !

Five things some people may or may not know about you:
1. have been going gray ever since I was 16
2. rode horses for over 10 years
3. have a not so secret obsession with beards
4. lost my virginity at 21
5. have tiny little feet for a tall girl (maybe that’s why im clumsy!?)

eek, is it bedtime yet??

Workout Goals for this Week.

Sunday: 30min strength (upper body) & 60min cardio

Monday: 30min strength (lower body/abs) & 60min cardio

Tuesday: 60min strength/drills & 60min cardio

Wednesday: 30min strength (upper body) & 60min cardio

Thursday: REST DAY!

Friday: 30min strength (lower body/abs) & 60min cardio

Saturday: 60min strength (fitness test) & 60min cardio

Sexy, curvy, Scarlett.

Things I Enjoy Sunday.

Some changes in mood. I decided, after some deliberation, that I am going to up my calories and stop paying so much attention to the numbers. I was noticing that if I ate over my limit for the day I would start to feel anxiety and end up going even further over. Also, I think I need to start to focus more on strength training and less on the numbers in general. Hence part of the reason I hadn’t done a weigh-in yet. I had a very bad week this week, running around and feeling lackluster for the most part. Drinking, eating and exercising less than I normally do. And according to the scale today I’m at 170.8. So if that’s correct I gained 3 pounds in one week? I didn’t weigh in on Saturday like I usually do and waited until eating, which I usually don’t do either. I went out on Wednesday with some co-workers, drank and ate way more than I would like and then went out again on Friday for a friend’s 30^th birthday. Not to say I didn’t have fun but then again splurges like this have to be taken into account in regards to working out and eating well for the rest of the week. But, in the same breath, I need to start rewarding myself and stop focusing so much on the numbers. Because, stressing myself out over it just tends to put my mindset in a negative one and that creates a downward spiral.

I’m also starting to come to terms with the fact that (1) I will never be skinny and (2) I don’t really think I want to. The idea of losing my curves bothers me. I like the concept of the bombshell, the full figured woman, the curvaceous sex goddess and it’s what normally, in moments of positive self image, I consider my figure to be. So why fight Mother Nature needlessly? Why struggle with calories when I should be paying more attention to serving size, protein, nutrition, etc.? Why whittle away the hours on the elliptical or cardio machines when I should also be focusing on building muscle and toning the body I already have? I may never gain the gap between my thighs or lose the jiggle of my upper arms from loose skin due to weight loss or even smooth down the stretch marks dancing across my belly, hips and thighs. But I do notice the way my thighs look in a pair of fishnets, how toned and muscular my calves are and the very fact that my ass actually seems to be getting bigger as I lose weight due to muscle tone.

I feel good about what I’ve accomplished. It’s now time to start focusing on living life and realizing that every day cannot be the downward climb into skinny jeans. Especially since mine already fit, and on a good day: without the tell-tale sign of muffin top.

Fitness goals :

3 sets of 15 full body push-ups.
3 sets of 8 assisted pull-ups at 40% of your current weight.
3 sets of 50 walking lunges carrying 15lb dumbbells.
3 sets of 30 BOSU step-overs in 30 seconds with a 30 second break

Where I’m at (fitness challenge so far) :

3 sets of knee push-ups (20,20,12)

3 sets of assisted pull ups @ 40% of current weight (7,7,4.5)

3 sets of 50 walking lunges carrying 10lb dumbbells

3 sets of Bosu step-overs (20,20,20)

Some additional workout stats :

3 sets of dips (20,9,13)

Forearm plank 3 sets of 50seconds

Side plank 2 sets of 20 second per side
Blue ball curl ups 30 reps
Leg curl ups on wall 30 per leg
Knee cross 15 per side

Crystal Renn : Plus Sized Sexy.

Currently reading Hungry by Crystal Renn and it's inspiring to see a model who is plus sized and healthy. Looking at these photos is motivating, to stop focusing on the numbers and just concentrate on being healthy. Her curves are delicious. Not to mention she's amazingly beautiful. I definitely recommend those who are not familar with her to become so. 

Things I Enjoy Sunday!

Sea’s Gift Seaweed Snack – so I just discovered these yesterday and cannot say enough about them. Beyond being a healthier alternative and a low-calorie snack (all of 50 calories per package!) these guys are delicious. I picked them up at Rainbow, craving chips and salt and these hit the spot! I lovelovelove seaweed so I’m sure that’s part of their appeal.

Working at a gym. Frankly, it’s maddening at times but I feel like the atmosphere truly keeps me pumped and inspired and motivated. Getting suggestions and hearing positive reinforcements all help drive me forward. And to those who have spoken to me in person about this blog please feel free to comment here as well! I love getting responses. Also, drill work! I started a few weeks back training with a friend and have become smitten. I love full body workouts because I feel an immediate response so intermingling drills with strength training has become my favorite go-to. Yes, I feel like I’m going to die when I jump rope and do ladder drills and yes, of course burpies! Not to mention the fact that running stairs kind of makes me want to kill someone. But in the end my legs hurt, my abs ache and my heart pounds.

Setting goals! So far this week (all one day of it, haha) has been good. Met my calorie budget for the day by 50 calories and did an hour of cardio. Tomorrow I’m going to attempt 30 minutes of strength training with drill intervals and an hour of cardio. I went grocery shopping and am feeling more secure with my budget restrictions. Seriously it’s all in what I have at hand that sets the pace for my day. Mondays are always the hardest due to my 330 wake up time but after this week, no more! My schedule is changing thankfully!

Weekly Goals!

Monday: 30min strength/30-60min cardio

Tuesday: 60min strength/30-60min cardio

Wednesday: 30min strength/60min cardio

Thursday:  Rest Day!

Friday: 30min strength/60min cardio

Saturday: 30min strength/60min cardio 

Opps, I slipped up.

I did my weekly weigh-in and I didn’t lose ANYTHING this week and actually gained .4 lbs. And I know why. Even though I worked out a lot this week and have done my fair share of strength training my eating habits weren’t on point. I also drank a lot this week, two glasses of wine one day and then on Thursday – eek, no idea! I ate over 1600 calories most days I think, running around like mad and not really having time to concentrate or spending the time needed to write things down and be mindful. I didn't, however, splurge and eat pizza on Thursday even though that's where a group of us were meeting up. Which I'm proud of because I had started talking about pizza at work beforehand and was craving something terrible. But even then, I’m not surprised by the gain. This is part of the reason that I am doing a weekly weigh-in so that I can try to be more accountable for each week rather than losing track and being surprised at the end of the month. Also, weighing in each week allows me the concept of starting over and putting the week before in the past which I think is an important part. You can’t focus on the bad but try to gain respect for what you are doing and the efforts you are making. So next week, I will NOT drink. Period. I overdid it this week and it’ll be my punishment of sorts. I also definitely ate after 7pm which is something I am usually really good about. And I didn’t sleep very much, which probably affected my metabolism as well. My goal this coming week is 7-9 hours a night, no matter what. My mind and body are exhausted and it’s hard to exert myself properly. Anyway, TAKE 2, time to start anew!!

One of the hardest parts about losing weight, other than the obvious working out and dieting and generally being a drill sergeant within your own life, is what your body does in response. Waking up this morning naked in my bed, I looked down and ran a finger down the lines crisscrossing my belly and hips. Another part of being a woman I suppose is the hard fact that we typically lose and gain weight in these areas and because of this, stretch marks happen. But you know, looking at them now I feel kind of like they represent a change and consider them more of battle wounds. Yes, I do have loose skin that will probably take years to tighten up properly without the additional help of surgery, which isn’t bound to happen unless I win the lottery or a sugar daddy. But, I’m okay with my wings and stretch marks for the time being. They are reminders of where I’ve come, all 80 pounds of it.  

So I admit, I’m kind of in tears right now. Yesterday I kicked my own ass (with a little help from an amazing woman, friend and trainer) and you know what? Even on 5 hours of sleep I felt strong. I’m literally 5 pounds away from a healthy BMI and this is the smallest I remember, ever, being. Of course I was thinner in high school but even then I hated my body and felt self conscious about how much I weighed. But now I look in the mirror and feel strong. I am starting to fall in love with how my shoulders and arms look and my legs are thinner and more muscular then they have ever been, even when I was cycling daily. I’m feeling more dedicated and motivated in the last two weeks and am going to push until I reach my goal for this month.

Anyway, today marks the second day of my second week of the C25K training. Yesterday I did feel a bit fatigued as I started in on it but pushed through regardless. Becoming a bigger fan of interval and drills so it makes sense I would enjoy this sort of training schedule. I like high intensity sort of work that makes me think and pushes me out of my comfort zone. Wait, did I just type that?? I feel like a different person these days. It’s kind of remarkable. 

Next week’s PLAN OF ACTION!

Sunday May 9^th : 60min strength

Monday May 10^th : 60min strength plus 60min cardio

Tuesday May 11^th : 60min cardio

Wednesday May 12^th : 60min cardio

Thursday May 13^th : 60min strength plus 60min cardio

Friday May 14^th : REST DAY!

Saturday May 15^th : 60min cardio

Next week’s GOALS!

1. At least 3 days of C25K Week #2 training.
2. Keeping my daily intake between 1400-1600 calories.
3. Coffee 2-3x max for the week.
4. More water consumption!
5. 2-3 drinks max for the week.

MONTHLY GOAL : GO GO GO GO GO. 162-163.
That’s a 5-6 pound weight loss or 9-10 pounds total for the month of May. I think this is totally reasonable if I continue to be as kick ass as I have been so far. Also, according to BMI if I hit 163 I will finally be at a healthy BMI and out of the overweight numbers. So totally want to see 15- on the scale sometime in June!

Weekly Weigh-In.

 

I have the feeling the majority of this was water weight due to bloating on the monthly but none the less a four pound weight loss in one week makes me happy! But then again I did count calories and work out like a madwoman so you never know. Everything adds up in the long run. Here's to another successful week!

"Why Don't You Love Me" - Beyoncé from Beyoncé on Vimeo.

This is my goal for life. Her body is beyond banging. Seriously.

Also, just completed my second day of C25K and pushed myself to go at a 4.2 for the low intervals and a 6.2 for the higher intervals. I think I can probably manage going at a 4.5 and a 6.5 next week once I am feeling stronger and more like myself. Still a bit off from the food poisoning from earlier in the week. Anyway, off to get some things done for the day before running off to see Iron Man 2 with my brother ! Here's to being nerdy.

ATTENTION! BUG!

I had all these plans for working out the last two days and of course I am hit with a with a bug of some sort or potentially food poisoning? Not sure which but whatever the case I spent the majority of Tuesday in agony with stomach cramps that slowly worked into a whole body ache that carried over into the entirety of Wednesday. I spent the whole day on the couch curled up in the fetal position watching TV with the dog, Theo. I had to force myself to eat both days and am pretty sure I was well below my calorie limits. That is until I felt somewhat better last night and splurged on some chips and salsa. And ice cream, of course. Looking back at it now I probably should have laid off the chips and salsa and potentially the ice cream (although it kills me to say so!) since I spent a good amount of time dehydrated the last two days. Oh well, I made up for it today with plenty of fluids and a lot of exercise.

Started the C25K today and did the recommended time for both intervals. But I think I could have done better, I managed a 4.0 for the 5 minute warm up and the walking intervals and a 6.0 for running. And truthfully I didn’t even feel winded but was afraid to push myself too hard especially after coming off a two day sickness. But I ran/walked for 25 minutes and then jumped onto the free motion machine for another 35. Not to mention worked out with a trainer for 60 minutes for strength/core exercises earlier in the day. Tomorrow I’m going to attempt to push myself a little deeper in the C25K training and try to go faster for both running/walking intervals. And potentially going to yoga later in the evening with the roommate? This week has been successful so far, even considering my lay up. I’m planning on doing weekly weigh-ins every Saturday from now on so except an update soon. 

Okay, time to leave the gym and head home!

Damn you, Skinny Cow.

You want to know what my weakness is? That no matter what, if it’s in the fridge, I’ll eat it? Ice cream, ice cream, ice cream - no doubt. Especially when my body is craving sweets. Being a woman sucks sometimes and being a woman, cramping and bloated and miserable, while trying to lose weight sucks even more. Trust me when I say that I wish I could give up my vagina right about now. But hey, I just gave away my LAST ice cream sandwich in the vain attempt of keeping myself out of the fridge! I know my weaknesses and currently, in my state of cramping irritation, I cannot afford to have temptation around. I ate about 200 calories over my 1600 calorie limit today and found, a minute ago, that I was yearning for more ice cream. So instead of running downstairs and giving in I decided to blog about it instead. 

A contemplation that I’ve had over the past few days is that a part of me wants to start running again. I’m working back up to high resistance intervals on the free motion machine at work but I admit, running had me hooked for months. There was a time when I would run in Golden Gate Park and the Presidio and I truly enjoyed it. The rush you get when running outside, especially, compares to nothing else. Not to mention a runner’s body is remarkable, strong but lithe with lean muscle. I do admire that body type and have always desired a tall wiry physique, which considering my stature will probably never happen but one can hope! I’m going to start C25K tomorrow, in addition to 40 minutes of the elliptical. I’m ready to make the leap. Every time I train with someone new they always comment on how strong I actually am and it always kind of surprises me. I feel like I have this inner insecurity about my own personal strength and capabilities when it comes to athletics. It’s time for a challenge to push myself out of my comfort zone. And speaking of which I HATE HATE HATE pushups – so here’s another challenge 100PUSHUPS. Starting tomorrow I am going to do both of them 3x a week. Along with my normal cardio and strength training work.

In terms of cardio I have pushed myself the last two days. After doing an hour of strength/drill work with trainers both days I used the free motion machine (similar to an elliptical) for 45 minutes. Yesterday I warmed up for 5 at a low resistance, doing 3 minutes of low resistance (steadily increasing by 1 each 5 minutes) and then another 2 minutes of high resistance (steadily increasing by 2 each 5 minutes). And today I pushed that further, doing the same warm up routine and then doing 3 minutes of hard resistance and 2 minutes of low resistance. From 2 all the way to 20, the highest/hardest resistance the machine goes to. Which is part of the reason I want to start running. It’s starting to feel a bit easy and I don’t want to hit a plateau.

Anyway, this helped. The craving is gone! YAY! 

I swear I put on 5 pounds of water weight.

So, recap of the last couple of days. I feel like my body is resisting my urge to eat healthier and I’m blaming that resistance ENTIRELY on my womanhood. Hello, monthly. It came fast and furious yesterday and hit me like a ton of bricks. I ran out to Rainbow with the intention of getting groceries and to satisfy my craving for dark chocolate. They were closed. So I went to Food Co instead. Cheaper, yes, but selection wise I spent an hour and a half wandering the isles looking for healthy foods. Or low calorie foods. Or smaller portion sizes. I came away with a decent selection I think but yes, it did take me an hour and a half. If I had been rushed I probably would have made several bad decisions and walked away unhappy with myself – which is probably what most of the general population does, unknowing. Going to Safeway is even a challenge! Although they have started adding a ‘healthier’ section to their stores not every location has one. Everything is served in bulk and most foods boost between 200-600 calories a pop. Even for children! I found snacks I used to eat when I was younger and couldn’t find any nutritional value in them. Not to mention the fact that they would eat up a third of my daily calories.  It’s sickening what foods are actually offered.

Anyway, so, I came away with Skinny Cow ice cream because my vagina was craving sweets. I ate one last night after a decent daily caloric intake and didn’t feel very guilty especially since I had done a good hour on the free motion machine. But today, after eating right for the majority of the day and working out for an hour with a friend on strength/drill work I caved and ate a child’s serving of chocolate ice cream. Later, after work, I did another 45 minutes on the free motion on high intensity intervals. And felt good about it. But then gave in AGAIN when I got home and went to pack my lunch downstairs. I just ate another serving of ice cream. Yes, it is a low calorie version but considering I ate one earlier, it’s definitely a splurge.

So my goal for this week is if I feel the urge to eat the ice cream to make sure I allot it into my calorie balance for the day, that being between 1500-1600 calories. Also, I am working out with another friend tomorrow for an hour and I want to push myself to do an additional 40-50 minutes of cardio afterwards. My goal for the week is to do between 1-2 hours of exercise for 6 days. No exceptions. Especially if I know that my cravings are super strong during my lady-times! I admit, I have a weakness for ice cream, chocolate and baked goods! It can’t be helped but it can certainly be taken into account and allotted for. I don’t want to deprive myself but moderation is key. Also, need to try to focus MORE on eating 3-4 hours before bed. It’s a bad habit to want to go to the fridge when I’m packing my meals for the next day.

Anyway, speaking of, I’m off to bed. 

MAY 1ST, 2010!

TODAY is May 1^st. Today is a new day, a new month, a new start. Starting today: no more excuses, no more forgetting to eat, no more eating two hours before bedtime, etc. etc. And also, starting today no more giving into the temptation of shrugging my shoulders and saying “well, yesterday..”

Today, is always a new day.

Today, I will eat according to my diet and drink plenty of water and limit myself to cardio. Next week I have a huge week planned of strength training and as much as I want to push myself I know I can easily overdo it if I’m not careful. So I’m finishing this week out and surging into the new month. I did measurements yesterday and weighed myself this morning - 172. Not exactly where I wanted to be this month but in the words of a friend "you are still going in the right direction!" Which is the right way to think about things, at least I'm still LOSING as opposed to gaining. I just need to refocus my motivation. To those who continue to be supportive, thank you.

I feel lucky to have such a large group of people around me pushing me to learn, willing me to grow and anchoring me when I feel weak. I’m realizing I’m stronger than I was even when I was cycling everyday. My legs have NEVER looked this toned or lean before – which explains all the baggy knees in my skinny jeans. It never occurred to me that I would lose inches around my knees or calves. Considering that I wonder what lies in store for me in a few weeks, a month, two months? My body is just now starting to adapt to the idea of being athletic – it’s my job to make sure I follow through and help it during the process. I want to be strong, firm, toned. Yes it takes time, dedication and a certain amount of isolation but my health is worth it.

Wish me luck for the week ahead! 

Next week’s PLAN OF ACTION !

Sunday May 2^nd : 60min strength/drill work 

Monday May 3^rd : 60min strength/drill work 

Tuesday May 4^th : 60min bootcamp! (eeeeek) 

Wednesday May 5^th : 50-60min cardio

Thursday May 6^th :  60min strength/drill work 

Friday May 7^th : REST DAY!

Saturday May 8^th : 50-60min cardio

Reason #429 I love my job : amazing, quality trainers.  I have no doubt in my mind that if I can just refocus my energies on the food aspect that the rest will fall into place. I did an impromptu strength session with a co-worker after an hour of cardio and realized that my work NEEDS to be taken advantage of. How many people are in my position, trying to lose weight, with all these people up for grabs for advice? They keep me motivated and are there, supporting me all the way. I can’t even begin to thank them.

All my love! Xoxoxoxo. 

So, big breath, let's begin.

I reached my highest weight at age 21. I was 250 pounds. I look back at pictures of myself now and am horrified I ever let myself get that big. It took me 2-3 years to get down to 200 pounds. I tried everything under the sun : Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, diet pills, bicycling, detox, low-calorie diets, crash diets, etc. At one point, while cycling daily on a vegan diet, I was 175 pounds but that came back quickly after my diet changed and my photography forced me to carry more and more gear. In October,  as I began to near the end of my college career, I realized I needed to make a change. I was 200 pounds again. I did a trade with a nutritional adviser, started working a personal trainer and going to the gym 6x a week. It was easier in January granted since school wasn't in session and I had more time to focus on myself. I dropped an easy ten pounds that first month but as I started to boost my strength training I realized my 1300 calorie diet was simply too low to sustain. When school started I raised it to 1500 calories and kept at it, doing cardio 3-5x a week and strength training 2-3x a week. I kept losing weight, slowly but steadily.

Currently I'm at 170 pounds. But this is the smallest weight loss I've had since I started and I know why. I haven't been holding myself as accountable as I was. My workouts definitely are less intensive and lately have consisted of mostly cardio and little to no strength training. I still work out 4-5x a week but because of my habits and letting stress take over, my progression has slowed. So, this is my deliberate attempt to refocus and get back on track.

 MY PROGRESS SO FAR.

Goal for today : 60minutes of Cardio (DONE! plus 20min strength)
Goal for tomorrow : 30minutes of Strength/30minutes of Cardio

New measurements to come on Saturday! Wish me luck!